Matchbox

I live in it. A matchbox, that is. It's a tiny room. It ends even before it begins. My roomie called it one-fourth of a room. She was being polite. When I moved in, it wasn't a pretty place. Dust had settled in on the beds, which were of the kind one would find in prison. The air was stale and the room stuffy. I had a distinct suspicion that it might also be infested with roaches. As it turned out, they made a regular appearance.

"And this is where you can keep all your clothes, wokay", the landlady said, while opening a poor excuse for a cupboard with a flourish. She turned and smiled at me, as if I'd be staying at the Taj Mahal, itself, no less..I swallowed and enquired about the food. "Good food wonly..", she trailed off. I went to the dining area where my friend pointed to a gruel, which any self-respecting cow would have rejected.

A while ago, I'd stood at the balcony of my floor and waved goodbye to my parents. Watching their car leave, I felt my heart grow heavy. As I dumped my mattress on the prison bed and whooshed away a cloud of dust, I felt alone. Yet, I had this distinct assurance of knowing that I was meant to be here. I began the process of settling in. It was an uphill task trying to figure out how and where to place all my earthly possessions without tripping over them. A minor exercise in project management, if you ask me.

Work began at 8: 30 am and went upto 6 pm. My pick-up was at 7:30 am and I reached at 8, which meant I spent a good 10 hours at my workplace everyday. It was no minor relief that saturdays were off. So, in view of my schedule, I had to deliberately plan every minute not just at work, but also when I came back to my room. I reached at 7:15 pm and every minute after that was super-precious, because another day would begin again, shortly.

Well, you ask, why am I still put-up at this place? For starters, it's a hop, skip and jump away from Forum - Bangalore's biggest mall. So, all the basic necessities of a true-blue Mumbai girl, are met. But more importantly, I was determined to build something of beauty in a place of ashes. For a girl, who's lived all her life, in the safety, comfort, and convenience of home, the newfound independence was both exhilarating and terrifying. Every task, from reading a book to paying a bill, has become an activity that requires planning. I've become even more conscious of how I spend time.

I heard a talk last Sunday in a church about transit points in life. For the Biblical character, Jacob, Bethel was the transit point. And I thought then, I'm Jacob, in Bethel (figuratively, of course). We may not build our home there, but we try to make the best use of our moments while there. It's a place to dream. A place of disappointments. A place of hard lessons learnt. A place where one sometimes, has to pick up the pieces of one's broken heart and move on.

But, it's also a place of reflection. A place to meet new people, who serve a purpose in one's life, for some while, even if one may never see them again. A place where relationships are cemented. And a place, where your eyes are opened to the things that really matter.

My matchbox is livable now. It is swept clean. It also smells nice. But more, it is lit with a sense of purpose. It's aglow with grace. Even my roommate says so. So, when I raise my weary eyes to heaven, it dawns on me that I'll be given each day my daily bread. And I realize once again..that the most important things in life..are not things.

Not knowing..

I'm at the verge of completing 7 years in higher studies. M.Sc. Biotechnology followed by an MBA with a specialization in marketing. 7 years of hoping to find my calling, and waiting. So, by this time, I should have crystal clear clarity on what it is I want to do with my life, right? Wrong. And I should know which moves to make and when, right? Wrong again. It's tough not knowing. So, I'm still waiting..

Do most people have eureka moments when it just occurs to them, that this is the profession that they will be the happiest in? Then, there are others, who've always known what they'd do when they grew up. The son who always played with his daddy's stethoscope, the lil' boy who made sand castles and grew up to be an architect, the girl who found happiness peering into a microscope at school and became a scientist.

I wish I could say, I've always known what I wanted to do, since I was like, a fetus..but instead (wonder if one can use but and instead in the same sentence - but let me not digress), I say I didn't choose Biotechnology..Biotechnology chose me. I seemed to others to have a happy confidence about my next move. But, that confidence was never my own. I just knew, in my heart of hearts, that wisdom about my next course of action would occur to me. Why lean on my own understanding?..

Yet, at one point, I wondered if I should give it all up and change track altogether. Maybe, when I turned 25. That emotion has been subdued, since I first had the thought.

So, this is what is going on in my head. I'll just take one day at a time. When you walk in obedience, you never have to constantly worry about whether you're on the right road and where it is heading. It may seem dark, sometimes, but you look upward for light. Seriously, if I knew it all, I wouldn't need grace. God gives his children their daily bread, each day..and one day at a time. No weekly or yearly rations. It's like being handed over the bus fare by a loving father, just before boarding the bus.

Such is life. Didn't Naaman have to wash himself 7 times in the river before he got cleansed? He could easily have been healed in the first contact with water.

After all, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind had conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. The journey of life is intended to build the character of the pilgrim. Yes, it's tough not knowing what's next, and the answers to all the whys, whens and hows, but it's allright, in the end.

What I'm holding onto now, is hope. Of course, neither will I ever be content with the mediocre nor settle for anything less than my full God-given potential. And certainly, that may not be easy, but hey, I live by faith and not by sight..